Mother's Day and Disappointment
Expectations, idealization, and the impossible standards we set
I'm going to tell you something I rarely admit out loud: I am perpetually disappointed by holidays, celebrations, and birthdays. Each occasion follows the same pattern—I meticulously construct elaborate mental pictures of perfect meals, thoughtful gifts, and meaningful moments. Then, almost inevitably, reality crashes in and I'm left tending to a familiar ache of unmet expectations.
Let me be very clear—this isn't anyone else's fault. My husband and family consistently show up with thoughtful gestures and genuine effort. The disappointment lives in the gap between the idealized celebration I've dress rehearsed in my head and what actually unfolds. It's a pattern I recognize but struggle to break.
With Mother's Day approaching, this cycle of anticipation and letdown feels particularly relevant. What do mothers really want for this holiday? And why is it so difficult for us to simply ask for it—or better yet, receive it without having to spell it out?
There were a handful of conversations happening around the internet about Mother’s Day over the past few weeks about what moms really want for this holiday. This is the post from Taylor Wolfe (@thedailytay on Instagram) that resonated most with me.
This is what I tend to do—wanting someone to ask me what I want, but also wanting the people who are asking me that to be mind readers. Not communicating my expectations to anyone but myself. Inevitably feeling frustrated by what I thought would happen, but didn’t, even though the outcome is likely entirely my own fault.
This has been particularly front of mind lately because in the last month, I celebrated my 7th wedding anniversary, 37th birthday, and Easter. And, of course, this weekend, we’ll celebrate Mother’s Day. This pressure to have the “perfect” Mother's Day experience isn't just personal neurosis. Of course, like everything, it’s embedded in our cultural understanding of motherhood itself. And while I contend with my own expectations, I'm also aware that this holiday exists within a much larger and more complicated landscape of how we value mothers and mothering.
explained in a post a couple years ago that Mother’s Day was “was founded by Anna Jarvis in 1908 as a way to honor the sacrifices made by mothers and more specifically, to pay tribute to her own mother, a community organizer and activist named Ann Jarvis. Anna argued that there were countless holidays celebrating the achievements of men, and there really ought to be at least one dedicated to women. Reasonable!”It’s no wonder, however, that this is a holiday where those unmet expectations become central parts of the experience. She goes on to say:
Except you’re forgetting we live in the United States, so obviously this relatively earnest and wholesome attempt to shine a light on the indispensability of women’s work was almost immediately turned into a capitalist, consumerist feeding frenzy.
I don’t actually know what I want on Sunday. Do I want to sleep in, do nothing, and not have to make any decisions? Do I want to spend the day with my husband and son, maybe starting the day with a nice brunch (that I didn’t have to plan)? Do I want a thoughtful gift or flowers? I don’t even know because it all feels like too much pressure. And, perhaps, this is by design in an era where motherhood is simultaneously idealized and undervalued.
Pronatalism seems to be the prevailing ideology among those in power, the White House is weighing “incentives” to encourage women to have more babies, and the impact of Trump’s disastrous 145% tariffs on China have forced baby brands to raise the prices on essential items like car seats and strollers, it’s no wonder Mother’s Day feels like a wildly insufficient acknowledgement of our labor.
And, of course, this is all directly related to narratives about trad wives, the performance of motherhood on social media, MAHA, groups whose goal it is to dismantle public education like Moms for Liberty, and a 2025 version of the 1990s “Mommy Wars,” which
wrote about so perfectly last week.
I don't have a tidy solution to offer here. What I do know is that if you're feeling like you have expectations about Mother's Day that will inevitably be missed on Sunday, then you are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you. Perhaps the real gift we can give ourselves is the permission to name these expectations out loud—both to ourselves and those around us. One ceremonial day is simply not sufficient to honor the deep and sacred work of caring for children. But maybe acknowledging that truth is the first step toward something better.
I’d love to hear from you. What expectations do you have around Mother’s Day? What did you ask for on Sunday? Tell me in the comments!
What else I can’t let go of this week
’s first “Two TwenTEA One” post about the time she got into an internet spat with famed home design influencers Chris Loves Julia (sorry that it’s behind a paywall, but highly recommend subscribing). So entertaining!
This post from
(I’m a huge fan, ok?) about Hannah Neeleman’s (better known as Ballerina Farm) sister, Micka, whom she describes as a “pronatalist dreamgirl.” (For context, Micka is 46 and pregnant with her 11th child.)The conversation around tariffs and baby products. I made the following reel earlier this week and would love to increase the engagement on it—it would mean the world if you shared it.
A special opportunity
and I had the honor to attend a community conversation with Representatives André Carson (IN-7) and Katherine Clark (MA-5), who serves as the House Minority Whip last week. We were given the opportunity to interview Carson after the event and have been sharing bits of that conversation on the Moms for Indiana Instagram account. We hope to do more of this in the future! 
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Unfortunately I have never been celebrated on Mother’s Day (except some family members showing me love and telling me how great a mother they think I am ❤️) and my two girls are too young to make those decisions themselves. And I’ve worked in the restaurant business, so I would always celebrate my mom on a different day and work on one of the busiest days of the year. So this year, I’m working and I’ll spend a nice evening with my girls Saturday night. I don’t know how exactly I would want to be celebrated. I know that I can’t wait to get little hand made crafts from them or written pages explaining what they love about me. I look forward to those things! I also plan on taking my mom to dinner, just her and I and possibly with my girls too. I feel like when I want to make someone feel special on their special day I might ask them if they want to do something in particular. If not, I usually like to have their favorite meal made, favorite dessert, thoughtful gifts and a nice card reminding them why they’re amazing since I don’t say those things enough throughout the year. I do know that thoughtfulness is all it takes to make my heart happy, not money, not gifts, but the thought behind what they did specifically for me. Happy Mother’s Day Ellen!!
I love this post, Ellen. I have to say I used to feel similarly, but becoming a single mother quickly revised my expectations of Mother’s Day. When there is no father to plan activities or gifts on behalf of the kids, Mother’s Day took on a whole new meaning. I am now grateful for whatever my own children plan for me on their own accord, especially because I know so many single moms now whose children are too young to plan anything and therefore go completely unappreciated. It is all relative! This year, my kids are taking me out to brunch and then we are going to go on a walk. The fact that they planned this for me means everything!